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Reading please for guidance

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Re: Reading please for guidance

Post by Cloud on Wed Jul 25, 2018 1:35 am

Hi Rubdn

Sorry that didn't go very well, that's a shame... aww.
You know sometimes our insticts when we feel threatened are to just do that, run away, go silent or close off. It's a difficult one to bring up abuse because we can never really find a time that is right to ... it's always going to be uncomfortable for the one supporting or receiver, or both

It probably caught her off guard but it's not your fault, I see that you are just wanting to help her out

I don't agree as such that you two are a temporary thing, I believe you two have a friendship potential. You know sometimes I feel we overlook the importance of being friends as well as being partners. Friendship is the best foundation you can have, whilst she is angry at you right now trust it's ok. Same with the substance misuse. People who struggle with addictions sometimes struggle with denial.. i'm not addicted, I could stop anytime, it's just a night off.. etc
So when a friend or relative comes along and points out they may have a problem or do have a problem, it's again going to trigger most people to become snappy, withdrawn and probably cut off like she has done with you

Give her cooling off time and space, a letter will go a long way just explaining that you are sorry for how you worded it. it's not easy even for those who are used to talking about addiction and abuse, there's never a way we can find the perfect way of asking or letting on that we know, but the good thing is it's over and done with now, sometimes these things are bettr approached slowly over time (if it's historical) but if you were worried about her in the meantime and her safety definitely seek out other support, professionals

I see you talking again, definitely. I feel the main issue is the guilt. She feels guilt and she probably feels in denial that there is a problem. Why she is using may seem perfectly fine and rational in her mind, healthier than other options,you know, i'm sure she has her reasons and probably justifies why it's ok for her to continue, it is after all her choice and as a friend you can only give pointers, but you have done great

Done great in reaching out to her and showing her you are there. I thnk from here all you can really do to help this along is just show her love and compassion, patience, and keep reminding her that you are available when / if she is ready to contact you again. I'm sure she will cool off.. there's no harm in an apology even if it wasn't that bad. Chances are you could have been the kindest about it all to her but she would probably still feel hurt. Don't take it personally, but yes, an apology can't go wrong either way, it will most likely help

Cloud

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Re: Reading please for guidance

Post by Cloud on Wed Jul 25, 2018 1:37 am

Definitely go for the letter and instead of 1 week i'd say two is much better, just my opinion,
it wont hurt to check in sooner but if you do try not to hold on to any expectations. I feel she will talk to you again just maybe not as soon as 1 week


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Re: Reading please for guidance

Post by Cloud on Wed Jul 25, 2018 12:55 pm

Rubdn wrote: I know from my own issues people are different under the influence.

So true Rubdn, under the influence it's almost as though someone else comes through. It's hard to not know how to help but she is blessed to have a friend wanting to reach out, help her heal her broken pieces in hopes recovery would then be much easier.


Forgive yourself as well... none of us can do and say the right thing all the time. It's frustrating as a partner/friend/loved one to see someone we care about fall trap to these things, it can definitely make us feel angry too, anger for the person we know is going through pain and there's little we can do. So yes I see why it may not have come out right over text but it's a learning curve, we make mistakes, we are human

Don't take it personally with her hugs just remember it may also be the substances talking

I pray too that she finds the help she needs, or opens up to the help she always has had nearby, including people who notice her pain and struggle like yourself

Talk soon


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